i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
