I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
