Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize