My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Randomize
