we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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