I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
i need some magic done to my vagina
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
