So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
