i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
