Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
