My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I need to stop coming to work sober
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
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