So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Tell her she can't have a vagina
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
