I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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