maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize