mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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