i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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