he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
