we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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