I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize