pedialite and red bull = repair kit
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
