im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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