so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
