can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
