Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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