A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
