I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
