Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
