i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
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