I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
