If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Text me some of your sweat
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
