Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
