i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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