we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
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