took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
