do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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