matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
