Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
