he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize