I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Randomize
