oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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