Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
