you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
