Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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