Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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