your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
