i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
