OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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