I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
