i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
