The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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