I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
