I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
