Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
People in love make me want to vomit
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
