so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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