Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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