My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
this boner is exhausting
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
