so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
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