"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
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