A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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