After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
