Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
